The decision “when to say when” with regards to ending your marriage is not a decision that is made after one day of thought, but rather over weeks, months and sometimes years. Moving forward with a divorce is a life altering decision. Because divorce affects almost every facet of your life it is not uncommon that we share our thoughts and feelings with friends, family members or even our attorneys prior to moving forward. No one other than you can make that final decision, but there are 3 questions you should certainly ask yourself before starting a divorce:
No regrets – One of the main reasons why making major life changing decisions is so difficult is that we are afraid that we will regret the decision in hindsight. However, if you exhaust every option to make your marriage work, i.e., effective communication with your partner, marriage counseling, etc. prior to making your decision, it will help relieve you of future feelings of regret.
Choosing yourself over your partner – It is not uncommon that while one person is incredibly unhappy in their marriage, their partner is happy, or at least sufficiently tolerant, with the state of their relationship. Disregarding your genuine feelings of marital unhappiness and dissatisfaction to avoid the guilt you may feel in disappointing your partner can lead you to depression, resentment and other physical symptoms. To stay true to your heart and to yourself some action might be needed prior to choosing divorce. Taking action is empowering.
What is best for your children – Staying together for the sake of the children is an outdated idea and a bad one. The fact that both of you are not sleeping in the same room, or under the same roof, is not reason enough to stay in an unhappy marriage. What is best for your children is to ensure that they grow up with parents who are stable, focused, and able to provide guidance and love to their children.
Contact Grossman & Associates, Ltd. for guidance if you are thinking about a divorce at 617.969.0069.
Actor James Brolin recently discussed the secret to his 20 year (and still going strong) marriage to Barbra Streisand, “separate bank accounts” .
According to the dismal statistical world, approximately 50% of first marriages, 67% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages end in divorce. Mr. Brolin may be on to something in describing the key to the success of his third marriage. Financial obligations from previous relationships including: alimony; child support; college tuition and expenses for children from another relationship top the list of contributing factors in the breakdown of 2nd and 3rd marriages.
Prenuptial Agreements are becoming more and more popular especially among people entering into a 2nd or 3rd marriage. The idea that the signing of a prenuptial agreement kills the trust in a relationship is becoming less common and in fact provides each partner in the relationship with the confidence and security of knowing that the life they will be sharing is not based on the financial means of either party.
Discussing financial expectations and obligations with your partner prior to marriage may not be the romantic foreplay to a romantic date night that you had in mind, but consider it foreplay to a successful marriage.
Sex, religion, money, family – the list goes on and on and depending on how many opinions you are inviting, the list will continue to grow. The more google searches you do, the more websites you will encounter with yet more advice on what destroyed your marriage.
After over a decade of working with both men and women going through the divorce process, I have heard hundreds of detailed accounts of how and why each person’s marriage ended AND THE WINNER IS…..there isn’t one.
As frustrating and anti-climactic as that news may be – any other answer would be as accurate as your daily horoscope. Of course there are similarities among all of the stories I hear where there is heartache, deception, manipulation and love lost but often one will fixate on one event or problem as being the lone perpetrator in the death of their marriage. More often than not this one event is the red herring of a combination of so many issues that were really destroying one’s relationship as demonstrated in “His Penis Extension Broke – and 9 More Crazy Reasons People Divorced” .
The good news is that most marriages are not so fragile and one specific issue will not end decades of a marriage partnership between two people. Issues and areas of disagreement exist in all marriages whether they are successful or not, but become red herrings when one or both spouses no longer likes being in the partnership. It most likely didn’t happen overnight, and it is usually not caused by one particular event or bad decision. Just as falling in love and creating a marriage partnership is a process, so too is it’s destruction.
The new buzz in the Aaron Hernandez case is whether he will be allowed to marry his fiancé Shayanna Jenkins in prison. The marriage is an attempt to preclude Jenkins from testifying against Hernandez in his upcoming trial. I was invited to speak with Erick Weber on NECN to discuss the legality of marrying in jail and the concept of spousal privilege which gives a spouse the right to decide whether or not to testify when their spouse is on trial.